I Don’t Like My Birthday

I don’t like my birthday.

Or, at least, I have a complicated relationship with it.

There’s the side of me that says: you should be grateful.

And, I am.

When I was sick, my brain was millimeters from herniating. In fact, it was already starting to.

Oddly enough, I have no trouble celebrating my surgery date. My “alive day,” as it were. I see it as renewing my contract here on Earth, and I’m grateful for it.

My birthday is different because I see it as all of the years I lost.

I see it as the goalpost being moved further. The progress I had made throughout the year, eclipsed by how much further I have to go.

I recently learned that many Cancers feel this way about their birthdays. Some postulating that it’s because we, as summer babies, were never celebrated in school, and as a result, celebrating ourselves (or our birthdays) is somewhat unfamiliar to us. Even Geminis and Leos, depending on when their birthdays were and when the school year ended, were likely to enjoy celebrations not afforded to Cancer babies.

If you were hiking in the woods and had a choice between a path you’ve never been on before and one you’ve been down before, you’d likely choose the familiar. Not because it’s better. Merely because you know it and that you’d (likely) come out the other side.

Celebrating ourselves (especially as Cancers) is a bit like choosing the road less traveled. Writing with your left hand when you’re right-handed.

We aren’t used to being celebrated, and that’s why we must choose to celebrate anyway.

When I turned 37, I changed that. I decided I was done hating my birthday, threw myself a birthday party at Rotary Sushi in Chinatown, went to karaoke across the street, loaded up the Eras Tour set list, and pushed play.

Choosing to be happy is a little bit like skiing. When you get scared, you have to press harder into the mountain in order to make your turn.

I feel the same way about being happy on my birthday: I have to do something slightly unhinged—turn harder into the mountain—to lean in and enjoy it. To lean harder into the things we like, be with the people we love, and maybe, just maybe, enjoy it.