39 Things I Know About Life
It’s worth EVERY SINGLE SECOND it takes to find yourself. The person I’ve most enjoyed getting to know is myself. It’s like having a clay mold to build a sculpture. You want to fill that mold completely; that way, your sculpture has no holes or missing parts. Finding yourself completely is the greatest gift you can give yourself and the world.
After you’ve found yourself, find someone who has found themselves, too. Finding the right partner is like building a bridge: you need two stable pieces of ground upon which to build. If you have two pieces that are leaning against each other, you’ve built a tent, and any external pressure from above will make the whole thing come crashing down. It’s only when you have two fully developed, strong, stable people that you can build a life.
If you’re in high school, don’t stress about how you’ll get into college. I know that this is easier said than done, but the truth is, you can transfer just about anywhere.
Study abroad as often as your school (or job) will let you. One of my only regrets in life is realizing—years after graduating from college—that I could have easily studied abroad every semester and lived in 8+ countries by the time I turned 22.
If you write, keep your writing organized. I recommend Google Drive or Substack. I can’t tell you what I would give to read what I had to say in high school or college.
If your career (or anything else) isn’t working and you KNOW it, change it. This is not to say that it’s easy to change. But if you know something isn’t working, there’s no coming back from your Knowing. Because your Knowing is never wrong. It just gets louder. And you get older.
There will be at least one relationship that will break you wide open. It hurts because it’s showing you everything that’s unhealed within yourself.
You’re going to lose friends. That’s going to hurt, too. It means that you’re growing, they’re growing, or you’re both growing in different directions at the same time. Sometimes you’ll grow back together once you’ve both arrived at the same life stage again. Sometimes you won’t. Both are okay. Give yourself grace for the person you were and the person you are becoming. If you can, give your friend that grace, too.
If you’re single, make a list of every reason past relationships haven’t worked out. These are your dealbreakers. If you start dating someone, and they have so much as one of them, consider breaking up with them. It didn’t work out with that other person because of this. Why will this person be any different? But have a close friend (or a few) review the list so you don’t get stuck in reenactments or overlook good people either.
Only spend time with people you love. For decades, I spent so much of my time and energy people-pleasing: saying ‘yes’ to everything, instead of saying ‘yes’ to myself.
People-pleasing is a trauma response. Read that again.
If you’ve experienced trauma and you are still living in that space—that apartment, house, neighborhood—move, if you can. That place will always remind you of the traumatic event, and it will be easier to heal once you change your surroundings.
Go to bed whenever you need to. You can only give what you’ve given yourself.
Go to therapy. If you feel like you’ve been to therapy and have already untangled all your thoughts, go once a month. No, your mom or a friend doesn’t count, even if they are a licensed therapist.
Therapists are trained never to ask any “why” questions. (It comes across as threatening and makes people get defensive.) That’s why it’s important to ask yourself “why.”
Have friends with a wide range of ages.
Always know where your passport is.
If you exercise off the precise number of calories you’ve eaten throughout the day, that’s actually a form of bulimia. I had bulimia for over 10 years and had no idea it was a problem until graduate school.
Don’t go on social media on days that may be hard for you.
You don’t have time to do “one more thing.” Whatever it is, that “one more thing” will make you late 100% of the time.
If you live in New York City, a cab is never faster than the subway.
Buy a Nalgene and drink at least two of them a day. Your skin will thank you.
Don’t use Botox in your 20s. You don’t need it. If you must, use it once you see the line actually start to form. It might feel like everyone is doing it. But here’s the thing: Botox is a neurotoxin that fatigues the muscle until it dies. Don’t start it until you need it.
Invest in a capsule wardrobe.
Read.
As you age and move through life (postpartum, stress, grief, etc.), you will likely lose some of your hair and start looking into options. One of the options you will find is called a Platelet-Rich Plasma (PRP) treatment. This involves drawing your blood, placing it in a centrifuge (to separate the PRP from the rest of your blood), and reinjecting it into the site of the injury (in this case, your head). Get an MRI of your brain before you do this. You never know what the underlying cause of the hair loss might be. Mine was an undiagnosed, congenital brain tumor, and my doctors believe that undergoing PRP treatments may have been why the tumor grew to the nearly catastrophic size it did.
Always have health insurance. You never know when you’re going to need to use it.
You are the world’s leading expert on your own body. No one else. No one else knows what it feels like to live inside your body better than you. No expert. No doctor. No medical professional. No one will know better than you when something is wrong or off.
Trust yourself.
You don’t have to be any happier than you are. If the emotions you are having about your own problems make someone else uncomfortable, those are their emotions to grapple with, not your problem to fix.
Looking backward is depression. Looking forward is anxiety. Journal to your younger self when you’re feeling depressed. Journal to your older, wiser self when you’re anxious about the future.
If you have a bathtub that is filled to the brim, you can’t add one more glass of water to it. You need to drain the tub. (This isn’t about baths.)
Anything anyone says or does comes from their standpoint. When people try to be supportive but miss the mark, it’s often because of what a sense of powerlessness brings up for them.
Because it’s not, “You’ll meet the right person when you least expect it.” It’s “You’ll only meet people who make sense for you when you make sense to yourself.”
Nothing will make you happier than reconnecting with the hobbies you once loved as a child after being told that they were a waste of time.
Be brave enough to say, “I love you,” when you mean it.
And if you’re lucky enough to have good relationships with your parents, prioritize spending time with them. You’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Be patient with what you can’t control. Achievements you can make happen. But there are some things—like relationships—that you can’t just work harder to manifest. Being patient is the only way to be present. And being present is the only way to see—really see—another person. It’s also the only way for another person to see you.
Your intuition is always right, and being able to connect with it is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. Once, I journaled, Dear Intuition, I need you right now. Why are you being so quiet? And it wrote back, I’m not. You just don’t like what I have to say. Always listen to your intuition, even when what it has to say scares you. It’s never leading you in the wrong direction.
